If one does not have compassionate & loving support, when being as severe as I am, how does one get by? “Every person who I know who has a disability or health ailment does not complain as much as you do, they can live and leave people alone. Take some drugs, do some therapy” I hear from people. There are no drugs that help, in most cases they make the patient worse, I did the drug route, and now I am in the severe / catastrophic class because of them and cannot get off because of symptoms getting so much more worse. How does one do psychotherapy where even talking hurts, or they can’t afford a text therapist? because many therapists do not work by text, and if they do, they are not knowledgeable with Pain Hyperacusis & Tinnitus & cost more money most likely as well. This leaves one stranded in a world where not even the medical field understands, and the wrong information is being published by audiologists for severe cases in my class.
I take things one minute, and one day at a time. However, I did go through a wild experience to get to where I am right now, this is on a different topic but coincides with disabled and vulnerable people. For eight months straight I was living in a Narcissist household. I was lured in telling me that the household was loving and supportive with every roommate, the lady knew I was disabled and vulnerable, and this is what narcs prey on. It sounded like my cup of tea. Little did I know after two weeks of being there that it was an abusive household, and I was being mentally, psychologically and physically abused. The household was “quiet" and everyone was at work during the day, so I put up with the abuse for eight months straight. It got to the point where I got into a verbal fight with the Narcissist landlord over the holidays, and she got even worse. Turning her TV on volume 50 to hurt me, it hurt so much, I booked an AIR BNB for the holidays and left. I ended up leaving where I was and blocking this landlord, and every person involved in the household. One housemate was kind, but I wasn’t risking anything and had to block everybody.
Things started to get better, as I knew the lady who ran the AIR BNB, a kind loving, spiritual person just like me. She did not live in the house, but I trusted her household. Little did I know, after being there for a couple of months, the person living in the basement was another Narcissist. How could this be? in the place I trusted. Because the owner was ninety percent never at the house she had no clue. I was looking for a new permanent residence anyways, and this “clown” was in the basement, I was on the third floor of the house. Narcissists are very clever and smart and know how to throw their victims under, they get to know them inside and out, and plan to dust them eventually, they seek people who are hurting who can't fight back much, it feeds their ego. This same thing happened to me again in this residence, and I had to leave, and the owner was siding with the narc, even though I told her what had happened, it was no question that I had to exit.
I called a place I was meant to see a couple of weeks prior to leaving, and the landlord was still renting out, I jumped on it and headed 3.5 hours west to go and see it and nailed the interview. I stayed at a friend's house for a week with a 55db loud furnace next to me and wanted to move to the new residence sooner. I was about to book another quiet AIR BNB, and then move. I ended up calling the landlord to see if I could go sooner, and wasn’t an option. About ten hours later, I was about to book the new AIR BNB for a few days before leaving. I ended up getting a text saying that the new residence was ready, and they were happy to have me move in. I ended up asking again if I could go sooner, with no answer. I logged into AIR BNB and was ready to book, all of a sudden, my bank account shut down (This never happens), and I had to get on the phone to figure out why, it took sixty minutes, and by the time it was all sorted out, I was too tired, and said to myself, I’ll book it the next day, my ears were a mess from the call. Long and behold three hours later I get a text saying that I can move into the new place in two days. So, I really and truly do believe a higher existence was at play, shutting my bank account down, and had different plans for me to move in quicker.
I am in the new place now, it is not perfect, cars are rolling by, loud fridge etc., but it’s all mine and I answer to nobody but myself, just the landlord is a complete jerk I have come to realize after being here for just a week now. There is a window that is not a window, that I did not notice when I viewed the place, and it's got an AC in it, with a wooden board around the frame, with no glass, so road noise seeps in like no tomorrow, I've asked the landlord to help me to put something over it, and he's slowing work on it. I really and truly do not think this is the place to call home, as it's far too loud, I already know that I will not be here long. This is the thing, and I'd like to make this POINT VERY CLEAR!. For me personally, I am too disabled to make correct decisions for myself, hence me living in this new residence I am in, this is why I need outside / family / friends help. I should have noticed that window, but I didn't because my brain can't think straight, dealing with so much on my own & being so disabled, I cannot remember everything. The extreme debilitation from Pain Hyperacusis & Tinnitus limits one, that making right decisions is far too hard, and I think this goes for a lot of people who are severe. If I were healthier, and in a more mild state of my illness, maybe I would be able to make better choices. What I need is family and friends to come together, to help me make the right choices, because I keep failing. I need them to help me to succeed, to live more comfortably with support around me to be able to manage better, so I'm happier, and not miserable all of the time, I keep trying to get people to understand how hell these conditions are, and I pray that one day people will realize. I guess take things second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. As I have been doing for the last six years. It's too hard now though, and I need my family and friends more than anything, to survive.
Hopefully this can be of help to anyone out there, who might be going through a similar situation, and can relate.
Nothing but love to you all thank you for listening, may we all heal one day!.
David Vance.
